J has recently given up Alcohol and now sends me links to do with the subject. Occasionally she might throw in a few words such as. “Did you know Alcohol does this or that?” I think she is trying to convert me to sobriety it makes me want to hide my head under a pillow or put my fingers in my ears. I think I may be in denial. However I am endeavouring to drink less, and not question her motives too much. She says she feels loads better for having quit, I think she just eats more Chocolate to compensate. Drink aside, today, yesterday in fact the last few days, have either been spent writing up coursework notes or converting a load of babble into something halfway semblant of the English language. The addition of proper punctuation and another edit will bring things up to scratch and then the next chapter can be added. a wad of handwritten stuff can then be consigned to a box somewhere. Having got all my coursework out the way early is a delight and means I can catch up with all my own creativity. You see I have just worked through four thousand words and have approximately the same in hand written stuff on the same subject, which sounds daunting and with my hand writing is even more so. Doing stuff like this, helps me sympathise with the teachers at school and those who mark examination papers After I have finished writing about pornography, maybe I shall start on that writing about Alcohol. It would be an appropriate subject, considering everything and will serve to alleviate any issues whilst drying out.
J has said she will help with photographic stuff, editing photos and the like. In return I shall be doing a load of stuff. Basically we are helping each other to do those things, the other may be not so great at and so far so good. We have several ideas to work upon, each will be coming to the fore as we progress and when the time is right, not before. Re-arranging the home is also on the cards. J wants a study room and I want to do some stuff in the garden. All these things will take time, ideas, counter ideas, school work and a thousand other things will each play their part in seeing things come to fruition. In the meantime, I shall write, be creative and then write some more not forgetting that in writing I am also being creative. Plus writing does not stink of Turpentine or require the washing of paint brushes.
We were planning on a small walk this afternoon, but it got dark sooner than expected. Or time ran ahead of us, and we forgot. Whatever happened it allowed us to each do what we had to or wanted to do and get it done and complete. (Almost)
We were planning on going out for a walk in the local park today, the weather got in the way so we went to the dump instead. It was closed and we came home again. J made some lunch and we ate. Riveting stuff. Because of my fast paced and action packed lifestyle I wish to write about something relaxing and easy going now and looking through my folder (one of several) I realise that to do anything from here would require patience, time and a lot of questioning, my handwriting sometimes has a lot to be desired and that is what makes the whole thing so joyful. I really ought get done and type up more of this stuff, somebody might even read some of it.
Now that would be awesome. What if I were to publish it? Let me do the writing up of it all first, in the meantime and whilst I have a clear head I shall go do some painting and regulate my day out some more, like I had planned before J came home. There is a whole host of subjects available to work from. Everything from Alcohol to porn. (A whole load of writing on that) Erm what else? Oh Jesus, Sex dolls and their various attributes. A bunch of stuff on my former employment as a salesman, A massive missive to an ex, though I think that can wait for another day and another letter to an imaginary person written when I ought to have been smearing gravy browning on ‘Chocolate cakes’ Something else about a Govt sponsored job club I was obligated to attend, but only managed twice, cause it was shite and the third time I was supposed to g I found some magic mushrooms in the park which were far more interesting. What I am saying is I have a whole bunch of stuff available to work from even the crap poems I wrote and the two pages on immoderate language and swearing, which was another job club thing. More alcohol stuff. The electricity poem is quite good fun. (I Think it is) J would have a fine time, if I asked her to write this lot up, though I suspect half the time would be taken up with : what is this word? or who was this person?
Oh Jeez, my handwriting does something awful and goes very small, maybe I was saving ink. There is also something going back almost thirty years here, though that is already typed up and I can read it easily enough. Sadly and probably just as well, the poem about the Brown Trout is missing. Making things easier, I shall probably start with what’s already on the computer and work from there. There is a lot I know and it all needs to be dealt with in it’s way, most of it is quite palatable, with plentiful mentions of politics and other contentious subject matter, though topics such as sex, religion and others may well crop up from time to time. Have you been watching the US election happenings/ I tried not to but with J being American it was hard not to. I won’t wish Mr. Biden luck or anything, he has quite enough to be getting on without my meddling in his affairs. Though why would anyone ever want such a Dogawful job beats the shit out of me, though he could have done worse and wound up in retail.
Even though it would be a nice thing to write everyday, there are times when that does not happen. This is due to one thing or another and sometimes something else, the rest of the time I am probably painting.
It is a good thing to remember that creativity comes in many forms and ‘beating’ yourself up cause you have not stuck to your goals is good for nothing. better to just accept you are human and are not infallible. The painting has been taking over these last few days and it is nice to retreat back up to the library and do some writing instead. Being up here means I get to sit in a comfy chair and not be distracted by canvas, paint and brushes.
I am currently working on finishing off the back room, this is after thinking it was all done, when it was not. The wood work is displeasing to my eye and needs correcting, the door frame has been stripped down, the door removed from it’s hinges. Later on I shall probably apply paint stripper to the skirting boards and maybe pull out the fridge and freezer and do behind them too.
After having sorted through and printed out a whole long line of previous posts from here and got them organised into some kind of order. I am now going to tackle the big file that incidentally matches the the one I put the other work in and work through a large back log of creative writing and start putting it on board the laptop. First of all I have to translate the hieroglyphs that comprise my hand writing and then discipline myself enough to sit down and work.
That beastly horrid awful chair downstairs helps me stay up here and the dining chairs are a bit low for my work bench so I am staying up here come the evenings where I have a comfy chair and books to surround and inspire me, where needs be.
The other thing about sorting through things enables me to find stuff that goes with painted work which means I can finally put a couple of projects to bed, or do something useful with them. I look forward to completing those canvasses that are covered in the cigarette papers my brother gave me.
Glancing through this stuff some of it is quite rude and may have to carry a health warning, it goes with some of the art work I produced several years ago.
I may add some photo’s to this at some point, there again I may not.
Wondering what to write, how to write it and then going to do the garden instead, such is my life at the moment. Thinking about what to paint, needing a change of artistic direction and then having feelings of hopelessness and being lost.
Discovering this site is up for renewal and the bank says no. It is raining outside and now it is blue, can I ever bloody win? In truth I have actually changed my working day I paint in the day time and do laptop stuff upstairs in the evening. In the in between periods I do bits of garden.
Clearing out old stuff I have no use for and making space cause no one else is going to do it, I may well find some more long lost things along the way. Seriously thinking about doing a regular vlog, J says it would be a better medium for me to communicate my thoughts as things can get lost in between my brain and my fingers , this just causes confusion and is no good for anyone.
Wondering, (I wonder a lot) what I shall be studying for next years bout of university, something I enjoy naturally and again something I can actually write about without drowning in syrup. ( Not literally) This new setup they have on WP is Peeing me off it wants to do strange stuff when I least expect it and already it has devoured one lot of writing and refused to give it back, now it is refusing to start new paragraph’s. If J was here she could probably fix it, in the meantime I shall have to learn myself a new skill and decide I need a drink when it is done. J is better at giving up the booze than me, the stuff once made me violently ill… Nowadays.. ?
It has been eight days now since I started the medication and eight days since I last drank any alcohol, It is a nice feeling not drinking and the fruit juice is a lot healthier.
I have not given up the drink entirely, I was gifted a bottle of nice Red for Christmas and there is a bottle of Cointreau which I bought on a whim a couple of weeks or so ago. They are both in the cupboard safe for another day.
The anxiety is almost under control, though it is lurking there in the background and does not like other road users or slow computers. I am now able to concentrate and work consistently throughout the day and get loads more done than I was managing previously.
However compared to how it was and for that matter how I was it is now negligible, though that is no reason to stop the medication just yet I suspect the road to recovery may be quite long here.
Creativity wise it would appear that writing has taken over from painting and as much as I enjoy painting this other form of creativity is better in any number of ways for the time being at least.