This medication I am now on: I am not sure if I like it or really dislike it. It seems to have slowed me down immeasurably, concentration is more so my brain is somewhat numb and things inside are perhaps more distant. By that I mean the heart, the discomfort is still there but not nearly as pronounced. Sometimes I want to just say fuck it all and finish myself off but you you know something? Life is not like that, at least not here or right now. I have to piss a few more people off first and move all this artwork that has built up in the spare room. I may sell some of it. In the meantime I am putting it all online on various sites. It almost feels like depression, but without the inertia, that accompanies such. No black dogs either, just black cats. maybe it is having finally ditched mainstream employment, and handling the change that has caused this emotional state. Fuck knows! The state of the world, mid life crisis…Any number of different things, but most of all the medication, I think it is that, one quickly followed the other, actually they all came together. Too much to handle? No just enough, just let me process it all first. I have been to hell before and this is the ante chamber, I know where the exit is, up the backstairs and to pastures new. The last time me and the devil met, I grinned like an idiot and got out of there pdq.
I would be fucking slaughtered within half an hour if I was doing my old job now. These meds have slowed things down a degree or three, sorry if I drag on about the meds but they are ( I think) helping me get things done. maybe it is just the incentive to get things done and to keep doing things, making progress and moving forward. Someday all this shit will be over and we can dance again, not because the music is playing but because the nonsense is over and nobody listens to the bull crap anymore. At least I know now why I am shouty and want to thrash people, it is the medication not lunacy. Is there anything to temper this urge to kill people? I suppose alcohol might help as may weed, blitzen I have both at my disposal Fuck!, Arse, Bollocks! Piss! Where have the paintings of Glastonbury gone? Oh wait I have not checked under the sofa yet, I must make some tea. Found them in the bedroom cupboard along with a bunch of Pink Floyd memorabilia, maybe someone or somebody will buy it and help me clear some space here.
I won some lottery yesterday, clearly choosing my numbers is a better way forward than those lucky dips, do you remember the lucky dip at the fun fair? Putting your hand in a large bin full of small parcels and coming up with something, that promised to be either rubbish or clutter. I may head into town later on and go on a charity shop raid for nice books and that. There again, I may say stuff that idea, it is cold out, despite the sun shining and the meds are playing with my head. Maybe the fresh air will do me good, it certainly did last time before I started the meds. There is no harm in looking and there is usually fuck all to buy in town. It is totally gutted and devoid of any independent stores, the council have really ballsed up their ‘attempts’ at encouraging trade in Oxford. I hope they fall at the next election, we could be well rid of the socialists and their bent arsed agenda.
So what has happened since I last wrote? Not much to be honest apart from A work colleague lost his rag at me when I told him counting numbers on doors was not my thing. He has difficulty understanding or perhaps appreciating that not everyone is interested in the same stuff as he is, he is full of hot air with no release valve . I on the other hand have several ways of dealing with my varying emotional states and I am happy to say they all work. he also does not like being told that I do not care for anything of what he thinks, especially when it involves myself, he has been told this to his face and he had a tantrum as a result. Otherwise I have a nice bruise from training above my knee and a thumb that does not work (ligaments busted) It made up for dodging the work Xmas party.
As the title suggests I bought a WW2 vintage German (some may say Nazi) steel helmet, Erica the mannequin is kindly modelling it.
The universe has blessed me with a new friend, we have been speaking on and off for the last few months and only recently have we sat down and made proper conversation together. She is nice, interesting, creative and several other things all positive I might add, we may even step out sometime and go eat tea and cake together, visit galleries, museums the universe will guide us I am sure to the places that suit us the best. It would also seem she likes Pink Floyd and that spells good in any language. I may introduce her to the blog sometime, but that will depend on other people in the meantime I shall refer to her as J. This makes it confusing I know as there already is another J involved here, but don’t worry about that Other J is in the US and is doing well, she has had good news of recent though that is also tinged with sadness. Sometimes I would like to wrap my arms around her but my arms just ain’t long enough to do that and I have to do things with words instead. Words are good and can be used in a thousand different ways, speak to my work colleague if you want to know how to speak shit, speak to me if you want to hear about history and why its important that we continue to study the subject, continue unravelling the historical record and not destroying statues that are part of our legacy, bulldozing Auschwitz/ Birkenau will not make it go away, or erase the fact nor will dumping a statue of a slave trader in the harbour.
That BLM shit really gets my goat, black washing everything into non-existence it is left wing socialist creation to further side line and disown the past into nothingness and as a historian I cannot abide or tolerate this in any way, shape or form it is plain wrong. Rather people ought be educated as to what happened and gently reminded slavery has been rife across Africa and the world for that matter since day one, white Europeans just took advantage of a line of business already in existence and whoever engaged in such business was simply a product of the age in which they lived, it does not or did not make them a bad person, much the same as Mark Zuckerburg got the idea to create his product, he saw an opening and made loads of people slaves to his project. Will he be demonised one day? Probably, perhaps he already is.