This medication I am now on: I am not sure if I like it or really dislike it. It seems to have slowed me down immeasurably, concentration is more so my brain is somewhat numb and things inside are perhaps more distant. By that I mean the heart, the discomfort is still there but not nearly as pronounced. Sometimes I want to just say fuck it all and finish myself off but you you know something? Life is not like that, at least not here or right now. I have to piss a few more people off first and move all this artwork that has built up in the spare room. I may sell some of it. In the meantime I am putting it all online on various sites. It almost feels like depression, but without the inertia, that accompanies such. No black dogs either, just black cats. maybe it is having finally ditched mainstream employment, and handling the change that has caused this emotional state. Fuck knows! The state of the world, mid life crisis…Any number of different things, but most of all the medication, I think it is that, one quickly followed the other, actually they all came together. Too much to handle? No just enough, just let me process it all first. I have been to hell before and this is the ante chamber, I know where the exit is, up the backstairs and to pastures new. The last time me and the devil met, I grinned like an idiot and got out of there pdq.
I would be fucking slaughtered within half an hour if I was doing my old job now. These meds have slowed things down a degree or three, sorry if I drag on about the meds but they are ( I think) helping me get things done. maybe it is just the incentive to get things done and to keep doing things, making progress and moving forward. Someday all this shit will be over and we can dance again, not because the music is playing but because the nonsense is over and nobody listens to the bull crap anymore. At least I know now why I am shouty and want to thrash people, it is the medication not lunacy. Is there anything to temper this urge to kill people? I suppose alcohol might help as may weed, blitzen I have both at my disposal Fuck!, Arse, Bollocks! Piss! Where have the paintings of Glastonbury gone? Oh wait I have not checked under the sofa yet, I must make some tea. Found them in the bedroom cupboard along with a bunch of Pink Floyd memorabilia, maybe someone or somebody will buy it and help me clear some space here.
I won some lottery yesterday, clearly choosing my numbers is a better way forward than those lucky dips, do you remember the lucky dip at the fun fair? Putting your hand in a large bin full of small parcels and coming up with something, that promised to be either rubbish or clutter. I may head into town later on and go on a charity shop raid for nice books and that. There again, I may say stuff that idea, it is cold out, despite the sun shining and the meds are playing with my head. Maybe the fresh air will do me good, it certainly did last time before I started the meds. There is no harm in looking and there is usually fuck all to buy in town. It is totally gutted and devoid of any independent stores, the council have really ballsed up their ‘attempts’ at encouraging trade in Oxford. I hope they fall at the next election, we could be well rid of the socialists and their bent arsed agenda.
So I kicked the final remnants of junk out of the house today, all of it clothing and all to the same place as the other two loads. I now have a half empty cupboard and am going to buy some new stuff to replace it all with, the second exercise this morning was to go and get the weeks food shopping and now that is done I can fully relax and get on with more important things, things like painting and this. House tidying is a week day exercise, the garden is good for any day of the week. I also have a chunk of editing to do on some photos and would rather that be done now, than have a mountains worth later on, which is simply depressing.
Painting wise, I am attempting to clear the backlog of work that has been laying around. This will free up space and help clear my head to new ideas, or at least that is the plan. Despite buying a couple of bottles of beer today, I am now teetotal during the week and keeping a clear head for the purpose of study and work, by work I mean that which benefits me, not other people unless they are buying the products I have to offer. I think I have already expressed my feelings about making other people wealthier, though naturally I would like more of an income to satisfy my various needs, to buy things that I probably do not need. Maybe I should just buy a lotto ticket instead, then I can flip one at the job centre too. Oh for the joys of having pots and pots of money. I would buy Silver Bullion and nice gold coins and keep it all under the stairs like a miser. I am not daft enough to do that, so please do not come round saying you are a staircase salesman or other like Bullshit, If you do I will set the cats on you.
Imagine going to the estate agent and saying you want to buy a house in their window and plonking a gold bar (or two) down on the desk to pay for it, I would love to do that, so much more fun, than writing cheques or making bank drafts over to people. A twelve kilo gold bar will set you back in the region of around £568,000, which is not actually that much, considering a half decent terrace house in Oxford. (Which is a shit hole) will set you back around £350,000 and that is Blackbird Leys which is a dung heap. The closer you move into the shit hole, the costlier the houses become. Personally I want out of Oxford, having lived in this town for far too long now.
I recently removed myself, albeit temporarily from the Facebook place. This move may become permanent, it has been a matter long on my mind and something has at last been done. I think it may become permanent, and am surprised at myself, for having taken so long to get this far. Social media is and can be a toxic place, it is an experiment in human behaviour and without doubt a place where governments snoop, sniff and check every word of what you read, write or say. The same can be said for that Alexa machine, that plays music and tells you the weather. It was fun for a while, then I threw it in the recycle bin. One less thing to dust or pay for you know. I have a 200w sound system instead and where my current music collection is slightly limited I compensate for that by having a internet connection and some decent digital speakers too. J is probably not very happy I am away from FB, though to be honest that is her business. I am pretty sure she will read this, good I like getting visitors, views, clicks, hits or whatever else they are called. They make my ego bigger than it is already is compel me to find a new and bigger home to house it in and ultimately move away from this dunghill known as Oxford and the muck heap called Blackbird Leys. Somewhere in the countryside, a nice cosy new home with a log fire and nice big garden.
Other news now, I am researching yew trees and archery and that kind of thing, personal interest you understand, I may/ will write about the subject sometime soon. School work is moving along nicely, having just got my last assignment has been dispatched. Erika the mannequin has had a change of clothes, though she really needs a whole new wardrobe as her current collection is a little large for her. Ultimately she needs measuring up to get a proper idea of her needs, then a charity store raid can take place. In the meantime I will be throwing out yet more stuff I have no need for, the local charity store is most willing to take it off my hands and for that I am most grateful. Other J has been off the radar recently, I like the peace and quiet of late and see no good reason to alter it too much.
Oh fuck, I have to go to the Job Centre palace later and make my reasons for being out of work. Well these are numerous, and words like peanuts and monkey’s come to mind when contemplating my answers. I figured a while ago and after 81 -/+ employers, the universe wants me doing other things than working to make some other bastard wealthy. Happily the weather looks quite nice and I may well cycle in and get some fresh air, avoiding the hassle of driving and doing a dodgy park near my former workplace. I really cannot be arsed dealing with those people or running into them for any length of time, like what happened last week. I am simply afraid of telling them what I think, which never really does much good. It is easier to miss out on conversations with some people, plus I do not like them it is as simple as that.