Listening to Roger

Autobiographical, Uncategorized

I was going to fill in a job application, unfortunately they do not recognise my email address and I ‘don’t’ have an account with those people so I shall have to do something else instead. I can either tidy the house, do the homebrew or something else instead. Actually the idea of pushing a vacuum cleaner around fills me with great joy and pleasure, though I may just resort to dusting off the furniture, the vacuum thing is noisy and interferes with music. I also feel kind of gross right now and either need to shave, trim my moustache wash my hair or a combination of all three.

So far on all the jobs or other areas of work that have been ‘suggested’ with the promise they will be in touch asap not one has managed this simple task and I am beginning to wonder if I am wasting my time and be better off doing something else, watching porn springs to mind though to be honest that is time wasted when I could be doing more creative and constructive things, as a result I am writing and listening to music, I shall go do some dusting and the like in a little while when I am done doing this and even clean myself and do something about the facial hair. Later on I shall have some lunch even though it is gone lunch time now, getting up earlier might help and will also ensure more hours to do more things in what exactly I have no idea but I dare say there is something or somethings that need doing.

J asked me if I was depressed this morning and certainly my rising late and sleeping a lot would be suggestive of that plus a certain lassitude in doing stuff like the garden which I usually enjoy, perhaps it is time to take stock of matters and re-organise myself. The cleanliness/facial hair issue has been resolved, now it is just a case of picking the loose bits off and drying myself down accompanied by music. Pink Floyd seems to be much in favour right now, or to be more accurate that music written by Roger Waters seems to be most in favour and indeed I have listened to little else these last few days.

FRUIT FLIES AND FORM FILLING

Autobiographical, Uncategorized

So from the last time anything was written, I have applied for a new job and find it not very easy writing the 500 words about myself. In order to become even half way eligible to have a chance of finding prospective employment with this chosen employer. I do not like applying for work or writing about myself (Usually) I would rather be doing something else and today I have done largely bugger all. I think it must be the fruit flies, they are exerting a negative energy and slowing me up from doing anything, I just want them to fuck off and pester the neighbours instead. Them people to the right of my home will do. Life stresses are on the increase but will soon be on the decrease, I hope nerves and anxiety do not suit me, J is having the same issues but has her own ways of dealing with things. We are both keeping our fingers crossed and I am not bothering to tidy the house she is good like that and wants to do some homesteading. Home-brewing, candle making that kind of thing all good things to do in a time of a new potential lockdown, along with winning the lottery.

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The painting is coming along but tails off when I have had a drink or two, it would seem paint and alcohol do not mix instead I sit down, relax and speak to the cat who ignores me. Let Friday’s reunion come quickly, swiftly and easily. I dare say there will be a lot more relaxing and less time for painting or painting at a different time, when the light is better and the brain is less fuddled. University is about to start again, happily I was smart and did a load of work in advance, which makes things all the sweeter. There will be more to do and I shall be starting again in a minute or five.

Other things to do in Covid time

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So as Summer draws to a close, what is it we ought be doing to help ourselves at this time? Firstly stop bothering your head with what the media has to tell you, in fact and if you possibly can ditch news media altogether, especially newspapers. Do this and you will soon be delighted with the money you start saving by not indulging Rupert Murdoch and his kind and you will soon find your household has far less rubbish in it. Which is better for you, your mental health and the planet too. That’s a winner whichever way you look at it. You can also help yourself by turning the TV off or at least not watching so much of it, do you really need to watch endless repeats of property programmes and stuff about war? No I did not think so, this stuff is not good for your brain or for much at all when you consider things. Don’t drink too much alcohol, if you can, ditch the stuff entirely and see the difference this makes to you, your relationships and bank balance. The stuff is sold to make people stupid, the glamourous image is just a marketing mans trick to make you think otherwise.

Take up some new positive and affirming activity like gardening, if you don’t have a garden then get some house plants or find an allotment, you will soon benefit from all the joys that working with plants and the land can bring you, not too mention the physical exercise it provides. If gardening is not really your thing, then take up something else, let it be relaxing and at the same time interesting, it should stimulate your brain and provide plenty of scope for learning more, treat the brain as a group of muscles that if exercised on a regular basis, reward you with clearer thinking and expanded awareness. If you can get out every so often and enjoy nature, go for walks and get fresh air in your lungs they too will reward you with greater longevity and more energy. Soon you maybe thinking why wasn’t I doing this previously? if you smoke, cut back or ditch the habit altogether. Smoking is best left to Dragons (mythological + fantastical ones)

In writing these words I do not want to sound like some kind of New Age purist that would be a little hypocritical, however I can testify to the benefits of abstaining from Alcohol. I quit smoking several years ago and you can still laugh and dance and make jokes whilst drinking Tea, be it herbal or the normal stuff whats more you can remember what you did the next day. Most importantly don’t worry about what is out of your control, how is bothering your head ceaselessly going to help? the most it will do is give you wrinkles, raise your blood pressure and upset your bowels. Do you want any of that? Neither did I , so I stopped worrying, did what I had to do and let the rest flow naturally.

Why we should drink tea

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Tea is good for you it relaxes the mind and soul and is beneficial to the body as well. It cleans the blood, helps open the bowels and is proven to fight and destroy free radicals that invade the body.

As was said by British Prime minister  William Ewart Gladstone (1809-1898)

“If you are cold, tea will warm you;
if you are too heated, it will cool you;
If you are depressed, it will cheer you;
If you are excited, it will calm you.”

In these slightly annoying times where our elected representatives have asked us to stay home, it is all the more important to relax, chill out and take things as calmly as possible.  Some of us will laugh and others will be gnashing their teeth worrying about work and other things that are out of their control. If you are doing the latter two relax and put the kettle on, make a pot of tea and have a mug of the stuff. Alcohol will not help so much it will give you a headache and perhaps start arguments and stuff you do not need right now.

I just wanted to write I am missing J like fuck right now, she is in NY state which is on virtual lock down, I know she is safe and  in hospital she is having MH issues and that is the best place for her right now, she is safe. x

Today like yesterday the sun is out and it is quite warm, could you imagine being stuck at home  and pissing with rain outside? I hope you have sunshine where you are and you are all safe, as tiresome as it maybe it is better to stay home unless you really do have to go out, I have to go get a calling card later on so I can call J up later. Whether that is important enough for the authorities I do not care, it is important for J, Plus I am low on Tea. I did some painting last night and shall be postings stuff on here at some juncture. After this I shall potter around in the garden and do some stuff there.

One last thing My exes surname is Corona, like this bug she is contagious and not good for my health, this provides a good laugh when I feel the anxiety creeping up on me. have you tried Corona beer? It tastes like piss, I would far rather drink tea with a spoon of honey and no milk.

Some of this has been published elsewhere

Autobiographical, Uncategorized

There have been major changes since i last posted anything on here. Virtually all the naked women/porn has been removed,it looks cheap and tacky. My websites have all been amalgamated into one, making things easier to manage look after. I am out of work, actually this is a common issue, hopefully it is changing. I do not know the World record for numbers of employers in a working career, I’m sure I am pretty close to it, if not the unofficial holder. Does anybody know the real figure?

I am back in the Mother country now, the weather is windy and alternates between sunshine and rain. A bit like my mental health. The cats are all well and as demanding as they ever were, they seem to smell a bit, seeing as I have been away and cat free for so long. Has anybody else experienced this?

J and I speak everyday, several times a day actually we are missing each other horribly, but it spurs us on to bring our lives together faster and more permanently. I went for an interview a few days ago, it was a little nerve wracking, stepping out of my comfort zone and into an unknown environment. I am leaving retail behind it was making me sick, the anxiety issues were getting stupid to the point where I was frightened of leaving the house, in case I flipped and clobbered someone. The tablets are still working, The drinking has calmed down and makes me quite sleepy with even a “little”. I am sleeping properly.

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I aim to do something creative today or  even a couple of things. I have some ideas and things are beginning to take form. I have been inspired by some of the waterfalls in the Tompkins County/Ithaca area of NY State. I would like like to paint them “En Plein air.” at some juncture. I have deferred from Uni until October, to give myself time to get better. They are going to give me extra support and that, which is nice.

The sun is shining, it looks to be a nice day…. Coffee.

The joys of childhood

Autobiographical, Uncategorized

This has nothing to do with Mental Ill health.

When I was about fourteen years old, probably during the Summer holiday it is not so easy to remember now as it was rather a long time ago and time seemed to move much more slowly then.  It all most likely took place over a few weeks,  instead of months but I do recall the weather as being nice, so it must have been Summer.

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My best mate at the time was the Dr’s son from over the road, I am not going to mention his name here, and shall refer to him as D. We did many things together D and I, some of it not very nice, a lot of it very good fun and perhaps quite reckless.

The people who lived opposite to him used to be involved as well there two brothers I do not recall their names  so shall refer to them as X and Y.  D actually lived opposite to me  but that did not stop him being my neighbour, even though my sister said they could not be neighbours cause of the position of their house… I could hardly call them the opposites, it sounded kind of rude, so neighbours they stayed.

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I don’t recall how it started but we came across the shotgun cartridges both our families used to shoot wild animals either for pleasure or for pest control, I think they must have been in the top of the cupboard or something, nothing was ever locked up then. Unlike today. How we got the idea into our heads is beyond me, though it was probably mine. b We thought it a good idea to pull these things apart take out the constituent parts and make bombs which actually turned out to be easier than expected.  We used a flat bladed screwdriver to wriggle open the folds at the top of the cartridge’s emptied out the shot, which ended up in a jar. Opened up the thing further took out the wadding and collected the powder into another jar for safe keeping.

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I have no idea, how many times we did this however I do recall making more than enough explosive devices or just lighting the stuff in the air raid shelter and sniffing the smoke like ancient alchemists. All of our dissections took place in the shelter, the bomb testing took place out in the woods which abutted onto the large garden we had.

A piece of Copper tube became a cannon, by bunging up one end with Blue Tack and banging a hole in tube itself with a hammer and nail so we could light the thing.  Pour the Gunpowder in, with use of a plastic funnel, tap it down with a stick and pour some lead shot in on top, toss a coin to see who would light it and retire to a safe distance.

ALL IN THE DAYS BEFORE HEALTH AND SAFETY

I do not recall anybody getting injured or hurt in any way, however we did get found out, our bomb testing facility in the woods was not exactly that well hidden and the loud bangs attracted other people’s attention with some Buzzard noticing the cartridges were disappearing. People made a terrible fuss, that we could have blown ourselves up, killed ourselves etc. except we hadn’t.  D and I got banned from seeing each other and we had to make amends for our errant behaviour.  X and Y did not really have much to do with  our activities, except keep watch at the mouth of the shelter for adults and watch things burn or go bang.

Onwards and upwards

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It has been eight days now since I started the medication and eight days since I last drank any alcohol, It is a nice feeling not drinking and the fruit juice is a lot healthier.

I have not given up the drink entirely, I was gifted a bottle of nice Red for Christmas and there is a bottle of Cointreau which I bought on a whim a couple of weeks or so ago. They are both in the cupboard safe for another day.

The anxiety is almost under control, though it is lurking there in the background and does not like other road users or slow computers. I am now able to concentrate and work consistently throughout the day and get loads more done than I was managing previously.

However compared to how it was and for that matter how I was it is now negligible, though that is no reason to stop the medication just yet I suspect the road to recovery may be quite long here.

Creativity wise it would appear that writing has taken over from painting and as much as I enjoy painting this other form of creativity is better in any number of ways for the time being at least.

 

Anxiety on Christmas day

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This year I am spending Christmas largely by myself partly by choice partly by circumstance. Other family members  are all doing their own thing and it is easier to simply stay home. With the way I have been feeling of late it has sometimes been difficult to do anything, even the small things like going to the shops has been nightmarish, so driving for miles and miles for lunch … is just overly daunting.

I like this anxiety as much as I like the time of year and thinking that days are now lengthening comes as a small relief, though there is still a way to go before this boat is back on a even keel.

The tablets seem to be helping as does being abstinent from alcohol. Again that’s partly by choice, mostly via medication, sleeping tablets and anti anxiety drugs don’t mix with drink and the stuff kind of makes me depressed as well does nothing for my mood.

Perhaps it’s  easier to stay on the wagon and drink Tea instead.

Anxiety and depression do strange things to you, the phone ringing  really set me today, even though I know who was calling the noise of the thing was getting me so much I  stuck my fingers in my ears and screamed at it. Should I have just pushed the cat off of my lap and picked the thing up, or just left it to ring? This I have been pondering for several hours on and off now and it’s kind of not helping to do so.

The DR. did say the tablets might make me more anxious to start with even if I do feel better (sometimes)