This medication I am now on: I am not sure if I like it or really dislike it. It seems to have slowed me down immeasurably, concentration is more so my brain is somewhat numb and things inside are perhaps more distant. By that I mean the heart, the discomfort is still there but not nearly as pronounced. Sometimes I want to just say fuck it all and finish myself off but you you know something? Life is not like that, at least not here or right now. I have to piss a few more people off first and move all this artwork that has built up in the spare room. I may sell some of it. In the meantime I am putting it all online on various sites. It almost feels like depression, but without the inertia, that accompanies such. No black dogs either, just black cats. maybe it is having finally ditched mainstream employment, and handling the change that has caused this emotional state. Fuck knows! The state of the world, mid life crisis…Any number of different things, but most of all the medication, I think it is that, one quickly followed the other, actually they all came together. Too much to handle? No just enough, just let me process it all first. I have been to hell before and this is the ante chamber, I know where the exit is, up the backstairs and to pastures new. The last time me and the devil met, I grinned like an idiot and got out of there pdq.
I would be fucking slaughtered within half an hour if I was doing my old job now. These meds have slowed things down a degree or three, sorry if I drag on about the meds but they are ( I think) helping me get things done. maybe it is just the incentive to get things done and to keep doing things, making progress and moving forward. Someday all this shit will be over and we can dance again, not because the music is playing but because the nonsense is over and nobody listens to the bull crap anymore. At least I know now why I am shouty and want to thrash people, it is the medication not lunacy. Is there anything to temper this urge to kill people? I suppose alcohol might help as may weed, blitzen I have both at my disposal Fuck!, Arse, Bollocks! Piss! Where have the paintings of Glastonbury gone? Oh wait I have not checked under the sofa yet, I must make some tea. Found them in the bedroom cupboard along with a bunch of Pink Floyd memorabilia, maybe someone or somebody will buy it and help me clear some space here.
I won some lottery yesterday, clearly choosing my numbers is a better way forward than those lucky dips, do you remember the lucky dip at the fun fair? Putting your hand in a large bin full of small parcels and coming up with something, that promised to be either rubbish or clutter. I may head into town later on and go on a charity shop raid for nice books and that. There again, I may say stuff that idea, it is cold out, despite the sun shining and the meds are playing with my head. Maybe the fresh air will do me good, it certainly did last time before I started the meds. There is no harm in looking and there is usually fuck all to buy in town. It is totally gutted and devoid of any independent stores, the council have really ballsed up their ‘attempts’ at encouraging trade in Oxford. I hope they fall at the next election, we could be well rid of the socialists and their bent arsed agenda.