I have various suspicions about various things and these suspicions that I have are going to be heeded. There is this person who is ignoring the pleas of somebody else who is close to them and that is not nice at all. That person will know who they are and if they are reading this then they ought reel their big ego in and do the right thing. That aside things are pretty good around here, or should I say could be a lot worse and it will probably be some time before they get any better. For a start I have to work on myself, getting back into some semblance of being fit again, yes its cutting down on drinking and eating a little less. Speaking of drinking. I have found a new hobby and have started buying wine at auction, not to drink mind, but to put down and sell later. I may drink some of it, some day, but why bother when the stuff from the supermarket has the same effect, if that is what you are looking for? Getting drunk is beginning to make me feel ill and if I drink anytime in the evening, I wake up at silly O clock feeling like poo. Just like this morning!
I am unable to paint, after drinking and creativity is what drives me forward, Drinking at lunchtime screws up the rest of the day, especially if I find I need to drive anywhere. I have tried drink driving and let me assure you all, it is not fun or sensible. Having a complete break looks to be the best option and will mean I can buy some more paint and such stuff, I am crying out for burnt umber right now and my recycled paper is also on the wain, plus I want a nice big pure bristle brush, those nylon things are good for nothing and are way past their best in any case. Speaking of painting and art, I now have a large pile pile of incomplete work, it was getting tiresome working on one piece of work from beginning to end, so I found the cure.
Speaking of The Cure, I really do think that bands music will help alleviate the current mood I find myself in, their music beats the S$%T out of Bono and co. whose distressing noise just managed to wheedle its way out of the speakers. School work is back to interesting and this week is learning about how heavy handed the Victorians were to non European people, would you believe they behaved just like the United States does today? This glorious empire busting fact and others like it were already known to me, just not from an academic stance. I have to go out for a while today, and could be some little while, whilst someone else has an appointment. I shall be taking a book to read and do not expect to sit in on it, The Covid nonsense has seen to that.
This morning has been spent painting, eating and drinking Coffee, I have only come upstairs to plug the laptop in… And procrastinate. That is the trouble when there are distractions around the place and you are feeling off, with little to motivate, or propel you in any real direction. Perhaps I ought to leave the machine here and go back to painting, at least I would be occupied fruitfully or how about the garden? Either way I should stop worrying about where those commas ought go, this is not an examination and I can check things before posting. Keeping one ear (literally in my case) open for the door is also on my mind, you may be asking one ear? Yes I only have one ear, the other is broken.
A copy of this book was once gifted me for my birthday, I still think family were taking the Mick.
Anyway I always enjoyed the Tintin books and at one point had the whole lot of them barring Tintin in the Congo. Which was almost impossible to get because it had been banned due to it’s politically incorrect content. I am going to pull some socks on soon and do something else other than writing, cause I am still heel dragging and get the idea I need a change of scenery.
Despite my calling and emails I have not yet received any new information regarding that pesky job interview which is set for tomorrow. perhaps I ought to look for a job as an art teacher somewhere, I think I might enjoy doing that. Even better of course, would be painting for a living, artists are an under appreciated lot and are often taken for granted. Just try living your day without the writers, set designers, authors, game designers, painters and anybody else who creates for a living.
I do take commissions, work in a variety of media and specialise in portraiture and landscapes.
At various times I have thought of setting myself targets for the day. For example, one of those, two of them and four of the other, This is to much like going to the gym and so I stopped setting targets and started going with what felt right, going with the flow and relaxing a little bit instead. As a result I no longer get myself in a flap because I had not painted x pictures or written so many words that day. So bloody what and who cares? Maybe cleaning the house and fussing the cats took precedence that day. Life is not all painting and creating and writing, some day’s we are just supposed to sit back, relax and do other stuff instead. Over this festive period I have drowned myself in two bottles of the vintage stuff, and they were both very nice in that they did the job required of them.
Sometimes I think I drink too much, then I stop reading the governmental guidelines and hear my better half clearing her throat like the old lady who used to attend Friday mass at my first school. Being raised a Roman Catholic raised many questions, if God was so good, kind, etc then why did he allow such awful stuff to happen and children to starve in Africa, Cambodia.. He works in mysterious ways and why serve up that Altar wine, then make you feel bad for enjoying it. (Actually it was awful stuff) My relationship with Dog has got worse and worse and the Catholic bit has changed to cat-o-like I have never ever once considered myself as a Roman, though I guess it may have been a possibility in a past life. I think my parents ought to have left me find my own path, it would have been far less confusing to all of us.
J has recently given up Alcohol and now sends me links to do with the subject. Occasionally she might throw in a few words such as. “Did you know Alcohol does this or that?” I think she is trying to convert me to sobriety it makes me want to hide my head under a pillow or put my fingers in my ears. I think I may be in denial. However I am endeavouring to drink less, and not question her motives too much. She says she feels loads better for having quit, I think she just eats more Chocolate to compensate. Drink aside, today, yesterday in fact the last few days, have either been spent writing up coursework notes or converting a load of babble into something halfway semblant of the English language. The addition of proper punctuation and another edit will bring things up to scratch and then the next chapter can be added. a wad of handwritten stuff can then be consigned to a box somewhere. Having got all my coursework out the way early is a delight and means I can catch up with all my own creativity. You see I have just worked through four thousand words and have approximately the same in hand written stuff on the same subject, which sounds daunting and with my hand writing is even more so. Doing stuff like this, helps me sympathise with the teachers at school and those who mark examination papers After I have finished writing about pornography, maybe I shall start on that writing about Alcohol. It would be an appropriate subject, considering everything and will serve to alleviate any issues whilst drying out.
J has said she will help with photographic stuff, editing photos and the like. In return I shall be doing a load of stuff. Basically we are helping each other to do those things, the other may be not so great at and so far so good. We have several ideas to work upon, each will be coming to the fore as we progress and when the time is right, not before. Re-arranging the home is also on the cards. J wants a study room and I want to do some stuff in the garden. All these things will take time, ideas, counter ideas, school work and a thousand other things will each play their part in seeing things come to fruition. In the meantime, I shall write, be creative and then write some more not forgetting that in writing I am also being creative. Plus writing does not stink of Turpentine or require the washing of paint brushes.
We were planning on a small walk this afternoon, but it got dark sooner than expected. Or time ran ahead of us, and we forgot. Whatever happened it allowed us to each do what we had to or wanted to do and get it done and complete. (Almost)
I really do not know what I am doing at the moment, or rather I do and it does not involve reference photographs. It is a fair little while since the last time this happened and as I may have mentioned elsewhere true creativity comes from within, making the cerebral juices flow and exercising the brain, the little bit it requires to make the imagination flow. I wonder if this new method of working will help with university work. No doubt that question will be answered in good time.
Other news, apart from starting a painting of The Madonna and Child and doing bits to some other bits of work, not much has happened. yesterday I wanted to write but painting took over and going with the flow = simplicity. Painting took over and now I have a lot of wet canvas sitting around the place, which ultimately means that something new must be started. Happily I am not starved of raw materials at this time, having recycled a load of old work a few weeks ago, which I did not like or was simply cr&p. I have a box load more sitting behind me that needs re-purposing sometime, into what I have no idea, that is the beauty of being an artist.
J is wending her way home right now,having been away for a little while having some R&R. I will be spending quite a while chatting with her over the next few days as we have been missing each other something chronic and there is only so much a phone call and often a not very private one at that can achieve. I have forgotten how much she can talk and it is so nice to have unbridled conversation with her, which is largely what we are doing right now.
After having sorted through and printed out a whole long line of previous posts from here and got them organised into some kind of order. I am now going to tackle the big file that incidentally matches the the one I put the other work in and work through a large back log of creative writing and start putting it on board the laptop. First of all I have to translate the hieroglyphs that comprise my hand writing and then discipline myself enough to sit down and work.
That beastly horrid awful chair downstairs helps me stay up here and the dining chairs are a bit low for my work bench so I am staying up here come the evenings where I have a comfy chair and books to surround and inspire me, where needs be.
The other thing about sorting through things enables me to find stuff that goes with painted work which means I can finally put a couple of projects to bed, or do something useful with them. I look forward to completing those canvasses that are covered in the cigarette papers my brother gave me.
Glancing through this stuff some of it is quite rude and may have to carry a health warning, it goes with some of the art work I produced several years ago.
I may add some photo’s to this at some point, there again I may not.
I woke up this morning feeling like poo, its the result of drinking excessive amounts of alcohol, whisky this time cheap nasty Scotch which I really ought to have known better about.
I spent three days without a drink this last week and felt good for it. So it really was a little bit foolish starting again and to be honest I actually prefer sobriety it’s easier on my health and definetly (how do you spell that word?) easier on my wallet. I would prefer to live without this ego thing that I need a drink or three every night. Tea is perfectly good and has the added benefit of being able to walk straight and speak coherently after drinking it.
The best reason is of course giving up to support Jackie in her sobriety journey and the best way to do that is to be sober as well.
Perhaps it’s time to go and get some help.
Other news I seem to have lost the ability to draw and paint, I have lost interest in it at least temporarily, it’s probably a change in direction and has happened before so am not particularly bothered, creativity comes in many forms and it provides an opportunity to sit in a comfy chair be comfortable and give my legs a break. The pond is in a state of flux and is being re-done as is the cloak room ( the place in British homes, where we put our coats) is currently being redecorated, the textured paint is horrible stuff to remove and is not the kind of thing you can sand off. I am pretending the ceiling is not there cause it is rough horrible Artexing, I may just get a handy man to skim it flat and do the other technical stuff
And heaven knows I am not miserable now. (Apologies to Morrissey)
Did I mention, I do not have a job anymore? It is nothing unusual, the workplace and I do not seem to get along very well. Indeed the longest time I have held a job down for is a little over two years. At a rough reckoning I would say the average length of time between starting and finishing is 3-4 months. The longer lasting ones push the average up, the rest of them, bring it back down. I am best off being self employed, be my own manager. That way I can hardly sack myself, if I were to do so, I could be reinstated the next morning, or the same day. Who knows?
I am done with food, making it,selling it or having anything to do with it. (Apart from eating it) and most things retail can F**K OFF. I am considering sales (of what) and want to be an artist. I can honestly say not much else interests me. Give me something creative and worthwhile to do, a decent salary would help.
Not being in work, provides me with lots more time to study and paint. This I have to say is the best thing about being ‘unemployed’
It has been eight days now since I started the medication and eight days since I last drank any alcohol, It is a nice feeling not drinking and the fruit juice is a lot healthier.
I have not given up the drink entirely, I was gifted a bottle of nice Red for Christmas and there is a bottle of Cointreau which I bought on a whim a couple of weeks or so ago. They are both in the cupboard safe for another day.
The anxiety is almost under control, though it is lurking there in the background and does not like other road users or slow computers. I am now able to concentrate and work consistently throughout the day and get loads more done than I was managing previously.
However compared to how it was and for that matter how I was it is now negligible, though that is no reason to stop the medication just yet I suspect the road to recovery may be quite long here.
Creativity wise it would appear that writing has taken over from painting and as much as I enjoy painting this other form of creativity is better in any number of ways for the time being at least.