So that is Christmas done for another year, thank Dog for that. I can go back to eating Chocolates, stuffing balls and Brussel Sprouts and feel none the worse for it. Unlike previous years, there was no anxiety on Christmas day, just two overfed forty somethings each doing their own thing, whilst enjoying each others company. I guess it is now time, to get back to a normal life: Writing, painting and school work all stuff to keep my head occupied and my hands busy. The devil can find someone else to play with. I think I shall start writing again on Monday, though in reality, I am already hard at work, turning thoughts and ideas into cohesive solid and sometimes structured sentences. J, I am sure will do the editing side of things and tell me I write about one subject too much.
Somebody I know has the Covid, for all their behaviour it serves them right and karma has come back to bite them on the bum. j and I are staying home as much as possible but we ran out of Bagels today and rather than face rioting and grumpiness I went and bought some. I always ask the Universe (nature) to cleanse me when I come out of shops, with a stiff breeze etc. Like I protect myself before going in, wearing a mask at all times despite it annoying my nose and smelling funny. I am bad enough with colds and cannot be bothered with the Covid thing, the whole test procedure sounds beastly, as does standing around at some testing station. At times like this I am actually rather glad to be self employed and not have a proper job. I like taking tea breaks when I want them, not having managers looking over my shoulder is also great. I am my own best manager.
I have to disappear soon, go make tea, wash plates and stuff. Maybe I shall eat cold Brussel Sprouts, dipped in gravy followed by Parsnips a la custard. I must call call in our youngest who is six, has a mind all of his own and no sense of discipline. Neither of us have no idea what to say to him or how to discipline him, You see he is a cat.
So Christmas is once again on our doorsteps and there is a we have a great conjunction between Jupiter and Saturn. The first time this has happened in 615 years, the COVID has mutated (if you believe the media and govt.) and our politicians are a bunch of liars. ( We know this because there lips move)
Actually Christmas has now been cancelled for many people and we are being forced to go out and dig the fields. Brexit means we will soon have bugger all on our shelves and the weather is lousy. The good news? You tell me…Actually there is plenty, you just have to look for it and not despair too much when you cannot find any. The sun is shining and you are alive, that is what matters. If you cannot get to see family for xmas and think you have it rough, consider this instead. One hundred years ago or so, people spent Christmas living in holes in the ground, with mud, rats, Lice, freezing cold and being shot at. Think about that, you actually have it rather easy.
Right now, the sky is a wonderful blue hue, it is also a bit on the cold side. At least the grey, wet business of the last couple of days has gone away. Other stuff. J is having a snooze right now, we might be going for a walk later on and get some fresh air, otherwise it is a day of relaxing at home and avoiding shops, people and the Covid in all its new and varied forms. We are enjoying our first of many Christmas’ together.
I would like to take this opportunity to wish each and every one of you, who has come to this site in 2020 a very merry Christmas
So a few days ago, I started writing. In that time I have written about 6,000 words, some of that was free flowing, the kind of thing that just flows out of your finger tips. The rest was deciphering my handwriting and trying to make sense of stuff that was written down several years ago. I do not like typing on my laptop keyboard, it is small, awkwardly shaped and the keys are in different places to my big clunky keyboard upstairs.
I have been writing about Porn, the history, the material itself and the differing ways it has evolved through up until the present. I have written a lot about porn and I do not think the end is in sight yet. Happily I have a number of different chapters to work on and shall let each one get the attention it deserves, as I work. That way it will be done quicker and keep my mind focussed on the job at hand. After I finish writing I shall start on another subject, there is a big pile of stuff to choose from and I am enjoying myself whilst doing it.
In the evenings I come downstairs and paint, but not tonight I have come back upstairs again. My relationship with J is blossoming and right now we are very happy and she wants to stretch her legs out on the couch and write her own stuff. We are looking forward to a quiet peaceful Christmas together and have no idea what we are going to be doing. I suspect a fair bit of eating, relaxing and being at one with each other will be part of the plan. Why did I start writing about porn? Well I wanted a change of scenery away from painting and writing seemed to fit the bill. Especially now that university is over until January and the Covid situation suggesting it’s a good idea to stay home or go out as little as possible. Something I do anyway. I do not care for crowded places, less for idiots, running around like idiots obsessed with the idea, they must buy as much as possible, for one day of the year. Call me a Scrooge all you want, I do not care for the festive season.
When I am done here, I am going to feed the cats and write some more. If I stall, I shall do some other homework instead and look into stuff that will help in future plans. J says she will do any editing that is needed. I consider myself very fortunate and thank the universe everyday for bringing the two of us together.
Study has taken up a considerable amount of time recently and for once I think I am actually enjoying myself. Writing more on here for my own pleasure would be nice of course, but do you really want to know about The Irish Potato Famine?
As we head nearer toward Christmas, I laugh at those fools who booked themselves a totally unneeded vacation down in Cornwall. (England’s South West) and have now had to cancel with no refund, cause one of them caught the Covid and they all have to stay home and sweat it out for the next fortnight. I doubt you will find this in the papers, but is probably a common tale to be found across the globe right now, anywhere there’s are idiots at least. In the meantime J and I are settling down, we argue at times and she encourages me to be a better person and I hope I am doing that for the both of us. Switching off from studying and relaxing seems to be one of the harder tings to do right now, unwinding seems to be Alcohol based and probably does not work so well. The other method works very well and the only spirit used is to wash the brushes and thin oil paint. It’s hoped that I will get some work done on the artistic side of things over the next few days. Doing a job search and applying to a few would also be a good idea. Also the car could do with a good wash and a clean, the weather is ideal for such a task. Grey miserable and dank. In the US right now they have snow, I like snow. J says I would be sick of it after a short while and she is probably right.
I want to wind up here and go paint, put down new ideas, complete old stuff, drink tea and eat food. I want to give up alcohol, but am lazy, support J in her sobriety journey but am perhaps a bit selfish. In the meantime I study, write and listen to Opera obsessively. Feel I am running out of art materials, yet have loads in the cupboard. The same goes for my encroaching belly that threatens increase on a daily basis. The time for change is here and that change ought be embraced.
I have not been looking after myself of recent, Tonight’s training proved that. Normally I have a high pain threshold,tonight even small blows were agony and halted me in my tracks, I had to stop and surrender to resting and being honest with myself. I have not been sleeping either waking up at ridiculously early times with only 4-5 hours sleep and not being able to go back to sleep. Sometimes I do not sleep at all, or it seems that way.
TBH I have been drinking a little too much of recent without any let up, apart from at work. Today I have had (and still have) the worlds worst hangover. I wake up feeling stiff and sore and my left hand side is wracked with pain when I awaken. I do not want sympathy, I need TLC and plenty of personal care.
I am glad I have found the space to do some writing, as I cannot paint at the moment, maybe from the alcohol or is it the time of year and it all just pisses me off. Xmas is never the best time for me. The whole thing pee’s me off. Probably the lack of sunshine. Maybe a combination of different factors. I ought to perhaps get out and do some gardening, rake up the leaves and get some fresh air in my lungs,having spent more than enough time indoors and very little out of may well be a factor.
In other things, I still have a job. (miracle) And I have gained a little more weight. ( The garden will help deal with that) Today I tidied up the spare room and rigged up the old desktop PC as a backup for the laptop. I shall be posting some artwork soon. A friend of mine recently died, at least she is free from pain and suffering now.
This year I am spending Christmas largely by myself partly by choice partly by circumstance. Other family members are all doing their own thing and it is easier to simply stay home. With the way I have been feeling of late it has sometimes been difficult to do anything, even the small things like going to the shops has been nightmarish, so driving for miles and miles for lunch … is just overly daunting.
I like this anxiety as much as I like the time of year and thinking that days are now lengthening comes as a small relief, though there is still a way to go before this boat is back on a even keel.
The tablets seem to be helping as does being abstinent from alcohol. Again that’s partly by choice, mostly via medication, sleeping tablets and anti anxiety drugs don’t mix with drink and the stuff kind of makes me depressed as well does nothing for my mood.
Perhaps it’s easier to stay on the wagon and drink Tea instead.
Anxiety and depression do strange things to you, the phone ringing really set me today, even though I know who was calling the noise of the thing was getting me so much I stuck my fingers in my ears and screamed at it. Should I have just pushed the cat off of my lap and picked the thing up, or just left it to ring? This I have been pondering for several hours on and off now and it’s kind of not helping to do so.
The DR. did say the tablets might make me more anxious to start with even if I do feel better (sometimes)