last night was one of them nights, and a quite familiar experience of recent. How I long for a decent nights sleep again. saying that I do not actually feel as tired as all that, despite having slept for less than 5 hours or at least it seemed like that, certainly not enough. I recall looking at my watch which read 3:30 or something stupid. I swear I had spent most of my time to this point tossing, turning and every other exercise apart from actually sleeping. Perhaps I have too much going on in my head and not being able to find the off switch only exacerbates the whole thing. What else? I went out this morning looking for Mr. Fox. Foxy is my cat who has been missing for an inordinate amount of time, though he has been ‘spotted’ a couple of times, it is now just a matter of either catching him or his coming home. I have to go knock on a door or two in the next couple of days and deal with someone who may be harbouring him, he or a cat like him, has been spotted coming out of there, so who knows. I do not know how I might react if someone has knowingly cat-napped my pet. part of me would want to tear their head off, the other half to do something else.
Another batch of homebrew is getting started, Rhubarb, Plum and Fig this time. First time I have tried the recipe and playing it all by ear. The Rhubarb from earlier in the season is now ready for bottling. The stuff from last year needs filtering again and ought be good for drinking very soon. Then there is the Parsnip and Plum wine to be considered, I think I shall keep the current lot for home consumption and part of any future brew will be passed onto unsuspecting friends and relatives. One imagines, with some simple distilling equipment it can be possible to cook a load of this booze down into a passable liqueur, especially where the Plums are concerned, I am sceptical of the Rhubarb being cooked down into something new though you never know what it might turn out like unless you try.
Job applications, stuff for the Job centre and more exciting stuff have been dealt with, at least in part or in mind. The rest of it shall be completed presently, along with a heap of fiction to make it look like I have done something in accordance with my job seekers agreement, Like spending 40 hours a week looking for work. I think there are better and more profitable things to be doing with my time, though I guess telling that to the employment advisor might be not be such a great idea.
As many of you may know, I was raised in the Roman Catholic Church, an organisation that thinks sperm is sacred and their clergymen are not allowed to marry. We also have this sacrament called confession where we have to tell the priest our shit, like stealing our dad’s booze and looking at porno mags. This could also include behaviour like masturbation and things like having sex and enjoying yourself and or not going to church. Did I mention telling lies, smoking cigarettes and playing cards? Well they could be added in as well. In return the priest would give us a reward of lets say ten Hail Mary’s, six Glory Bee’s and a bunch of Our Fathers. It all depended on what you had ‘fessed up to. Perhaps it would depend on how the priest was feeling, I don’t know.
Many years ago I had been caught dancing with myself and my Mum in her religious fervour sent me off to see the priest. He was a dirty looking scare crow of a man and there was a bottle of Glenfiddich clearly visible on his counter top. I guess somebody thought it would loosen my tongue and provide a good confession. It certainly did, I like Whisky and I span him a whole bunch of lies instead, the joke was I did not care for religion by this time and sneezed at the idea and concept of confession. However I was living at home and my youngish mind, thought it a good idea to comply. Well to cut a story short I span him a load of stuff that would make a Madame blush, I swear the old pervert had a lip trembler going, he stank of booze and his blood shot eyes were horrid, as were his shaking hands. I think Half of that bottle disappeared in the couple of hours I was there, it was near Christmas and was piss cold outside. I have forgotten the penance he gave me, though I do remember not doing any of it.
If I was not sceptical of priests and religion before that point, I was afterwards and still am. More on that later on. I have recently been inspired to dig out some old artwork and share it again, I don’t think I have mentioned getting rid of a load of work a few weeks ago.
I am quite pleased with myself this evening, I have managed to leave the alcohol alone, despite their being a bottle of cider in the fridge. My cart Ninjas had the Scabies/Mange and is recovering well. He has been depressed and does not like being bathed and covered in ointment. Mr. Fox on the other hand, has been noticeable by his absence. I hope he comes home very soon. I love him.
So despite the wound clearing up, the vet giving the all clear and all the rest of that jazz. Things opened up again and a great load of green gack oozed out of what was a nicely scabbed over and clearing up sore patch. It looked like a gigantic green slug, minus the horns, though I would not be surprised to see a pair of them in the future. Too say I am at my wits end would be an understatement. I would be pulling my hair out, if I thought it would do any good and I alcohol would be a proper waste of time… We have a vet appointment this afternoon and I am kind of taking a tight grip on reality right now. Is it time to let him go, or does he stay. If this injury was mine, size for size, I would be moaning like a bitch. The cat, Mr fox is more stoical than that, though he does growl a bit at the moment and looks rather sulky. I do have to remember the vet warned me that wounds of this nature, can be a sod to heal, I would be a stupid sod to argue otherwise.
So that’s that off of my chest, do I feel better for offloading like that? No not really, but it might help a little bit at some point. I admit i busted into tears a short while ago at the prospect of loosing the little man. But you know something, change is inevitable, irresistible and inevitable. There is no stopping it or controlling when that change will happen. so it is pointless resisting the inevitable awfulness of what must happen. It has to be embraced and acknowledged. I do not think I could do the job of a vet. I am not brave or kind enough for such stuff. I think it would kill me, or me myself. then what use would I be. Nothing.
In the meantime, I am waiting for the lawn to dry out as I want to mow it. Trimming the hedge would also be a welcome distraction. In the meantime i think I shall paint a Toadstool, or at least part of a toadstool. I dislike doing things with electricity in the wet and damp. Do I need to explain why? As for everything else, I am lucky to have J listening at the other end of the line and other good friends around me who will lend a supporting ear or whatever other part of their anatomy is available. I think shoulders are quite popular at this sort of time. A friend of mine once said in times of darkness think of light, think of love and of life. Right now that is actually easy, but not that easy. It fact it is turning out to be fucking hard. My head feels like it is full of I don’t know what. I can feel my temper flaring just that little bit more than it needs to. Could it be I am a little bit stressed right now?
So J went back to the US back on the 12th and the day before that the cat took sick. Happily the cat is well on the road to recovery, Jackie has got a permanent residence and the vet bills required me to change my plans for the month and spend the lot on Mr. Fox ( The cat) I have never been happier to spend so much on anyone in my entire life. he had an abscess, that was pressing on his spine and must have been causing excruciating amounts of discomfort. Long story short, the thing burst, closed up, reopened and oozed lots of thick green ‘snot’. The secondary infection was due to his getting outside and going on an all-nighter. Operation, stitches and being indoors is probably getting him by now, especially as the weather is nice again. I take him out a few times a day, making sure to hold him and prevent any mad dash for freedom he may make. Though what with a cone/collar thing on I doubt he will get too far.
J and I are now simply friends, we have different priorities to each other and we each must steer our own course. It is no good us being in the same ship anymore. I imagine our paths will cross again in the future. Though I imagine not least until the Covid business has cleared off and we are given something new to worry ourselves over. What else? Oh yes I have run out of weed. Years ago this would have caused a huge amount of distraction and concern. Today I could not care less and shall enjoy cleaning my act up a little bit. Smoking fogged my mind and did not allow for clear thinking, which hindered study, which caused anxiety issues neither of which I currently need. My painting has resumed, new ideas are flourishing and I am happy.
I hope to be getting back onto the blog more often now things have calmed down a little bit. I also want to be working on the website and promoting my work a little bit more. I shall also be applying for some kind of employment soon. Something simple, stress free and enjoyable. I do not think it will involve wearing a tie. It may allow me to get away with wearing a skirt, being more relaxed and informal.
Whilst in the midst of not looking for work. (Something I am not very good at) and studying (which needs improvement) I have been dropping by garden centres and the like and getting things in the ground for the new season. Other than that, contemplating empty hanging baskets and mending the cat, not much has taken place. Now the weather is nice, I am spending a bit more time out on the bicycle. I need the fresh air, space and exercise, it helps clear out my chest and lungs to. You see there is or at least was some unwanted matter there. It’s not the Covid, probably more just dust and stuff. Anyway I felt a lot better for my ride out into town the other day. Spring time being here, it is probably a good time to get out, and taking more fresh air, getting fit again.
I was going to write about a foul medical doc. I watched the other evening. Happily it has been lost forever, instead I shall write about something else. Not gardening though, every other thing on this page must look like it is to do with gardening. It just seems more interesting than house work and clearing up behind the Children. (Cats) Trust me, there is nothing exciting about what those wretched animals do or leave behind, expecting someone else to clean up behind them. They are lazy, demanding and for two of them… Vocal. However I would not swap them for anything, and they will always come first. What else is there,? Not much to be honest, it has been a remarkably uneventful few days here. Most of my time has been spent gardening, studying and or painting. The rest of it, well day dreaming and that kind of thing. Not worrying my head if I do not need to and spending more time in the here and now than previously.
It is high time, I checked to see if the Stylus has arrived, after that I am going to do some more school work and read about the deprivation in London in the late Nineteenth century.
Today is going to be spent doing a few things around the place. I have a pond to measure up, a course of lessons on Russian history to put together and I may well go for a cycle ride and get me a bottle of Stout. It is St. Patricks day after all and being a good Irishman it would be rude not to. otherwise things here are going pretty good, met a couple of friends I have not seen in a while yesterday. in one case around fifteen years, they have not changed a bit. It is gladdening to see these recent travails what with the Convid have not affected them. Everybody is still bright eyed and bushy tailed and still possessed of their usual good humour. The old pond has found a new home and I have been asked to lend some gardening advice, which is great cause as I have a glut of tomato’s and other plants coming on.
After writing this, I am going to go do a bit of gardening and burn off some excess energy being creative and all that. I also feel like going to the garden centre, but you know something, these are dangerous places if you have a bank card with you. It is probably easier just to do some tidying up instead and make the place look nice. In due course, I shall be looking at getting some fish for the pond and work on creating a bog garden of some sort, if it is at all practicable. The idea of Newts, Frogs and creatures of a similar ilk pleases me immensely and having them in the garden even more so.
What else? Oh yes of course, I am celebrating today, not because it is St. Patricks day, but because I am single man again. Even better I shall soon have the house back to myself and even though that may sound a little selfish, it will be most liberating. The idea of being able to do my own thing at whatever time and making as much noise as I want cheers me immensely. Firstly I must start watching my eating habits, and dealing with stress more effectively, the first is easy, the second just as so. It is simply a matter of acknowledging the causes and then dealing with them in an effective and timely manner. The weather looks a little overcast and I currently have a cat sat over on my shoulders. It is a long time since he last sat here and he is a great comfort.
Today it is cold and the pair o us are both feeling tired out, somewhat despondent and not wanting to do very much. The cause of it all? We both woke up at silly o clock this morning and could not get back to sleep, so we ended up just dozing and feeling jealous of the cats who seem to spend all their time asleep no matter the circumstances at hand. cats have it easy, some mug to open the door for them, another to feed and wash their bowls out and some one else, often the same idiot who does the other stuff to clean their turds out of the litter box as well. The they pee all over the floor, drop a big pile of god knows what on your bedroom floor and expect to be picked up and stroked like they have done nothing wrong and its all the human’s fault.
The pile of washing up in the kitchen never seems to go away and appears to be self- replicating, slowly very slowly, the mess is disappearing and we can see counter tops again. I want to get those empty bottles filled, the demi johns in the shed and the rubbish in the bin together with the old crockery. I like throwing old stuff out and making way for the new, I thoroughly believe physical clutter equates to mental clutter and as J might say, the latter sucks.
We have no idea what we are doing this PM. I have a tutorial about the political franchise in the late Nineteenth century later on, the whole idea, fills me with dread, I am reading on the subject at the moment and it is dry like the desert; Disraeli, Gladstone, Lord Salisbury and the rest of them. Great and up standing figures of men no doubt, its just the subject.
So for want of anything better to do today, we both decided to dry ourselves out for the foreseeable future. This was after drinking all the available Alcohol in the house and getting a little tipsy in the process. There is actually a bunch more booze tucked away under the stairs, but that is not ready for consumption yet.
This afternoon we both went into the garden and tidied up the Fig tree, removing all the dead fruit and cutting back any dead wood. All the rubbish went in the bin, the sun shone and the birds sang, we had a thoroughly pleasant time together. J put some nice lotus ‘flowers’ on the pond and soon we shall get fishes to.
Other news, I have been doing some intuitive drawings of past lives, (I believe in reincarnation) and it was satisfying, relaxing… fun. J is now having a rest and I am speaking to Lulu the cat, she likes having lots of attention and meows if she thinks I am not giving her enough. I must bring in the curtain soon, it is outside drying after a wash as Lulu peed on it this morning. I ought give the floor where it hangs a mop as well, before she gets more ideas.
Now almost recovered from the cat bite, except it itches and the bruising is still prominent, everything is pretty good. We have tidied up J’s room a bit, and she now has a pleasant space in which to rest and do her stuff. She is being required to do a self Covid test which involves sticking a something up her nose and then tickling her tonsils, the whole idea gives me the creeps, J feels the same. She has had a lot on her plate of recent and is pretty stressed, so we are going to take each other for a walk out today and enjoy the sunshine for a while. J does not like the Covid testing thing, she gagged loads and thinks it is awful.
Covid aside, the sun is out today after early rain and Lulu the cat is sunbathing on the windowsill in front of me. Life must be grand being a cat, a life of almost indescribable laziness having staff at your beck and call answering to your every Meeow and spending almost your entire day asleep. The life of a cat sounds good, they even get to bite people and get away with it. (Sometimes) The Grey cat has been lucky so far, I have only chased and shouted at it so far having been handicapped by lack of shoes and missiles, it watched me with contempt and a little trepidation and climbed over the fence into next door.
I think I will be doing some more school work this afternoon, studying filth, disease and general nastiness and death in Victorian England. You can almost smell the stinks being described as you read the words. I will try not to complain about the sewage works again. (though they really stink) Ship breaking looks an awful trade and is highly dangerous, I know this cause I spent a couple of hours watching docs on it. Though it does look exciting and probably beats working in a supermarket. Anything beats working in a supermarket, apart from being a sewerage inspector maybe. I am glad and happy to be an artist and blogger, though a little bit of me, still wants to visit a ship breaking yard.
I love J she reminds and encourages me to do my schoolwork, makes breakfast sits down for a little while and goes back to bed. Leaving me to get on write and at get down a load of ideas that I can boil down into something that answers the questions posed, this is not part of that plan. We went down into the local park yesterday and had a kick around in the sunshine, later on I made more home brew, this time a bunch of Parsnips have fallen in the pot with yeast and the rest to be added later today.
The sun is shining, the cats are asleep and my breakfast is slowly being consumed, the Apple and Banana bread adding their goodness to my constant need for sustenance. Imagining a life without the need for food is an interesting idea and is indeed possible, if one is willing to make those sacrifices. Like stopping the reliance on animal based products, especially those of meat and dairy. If we stop the killing and systematic abuse of animals, then we may as a race stop abusing and killing each other. If you want to change the world, then start with yourself, be the change you wish to see in the universe. Actually the cats are outside now, if they are asleep or not I do not know, as they are out of eyeshot. J has reappeared and is drinking more Coffee.
School work is now taking a back burner and shall restart in the morning, J shall encourage that, it helps that I WANT to keep it under control and stay ahead of things that being the way I started out and how I mean to continue. J is scrolling through Facebook, I just had a look through myself not much else. I thought it was cold earlier, my feet especially so, it helps to put socks and a vest on, this way we can be warmer without putting the heating on. I shall be posting some more artwork later on and hopefully be adding new work to the rest of the site when time permits.