So J went back to the US back on the 12th and the day before that the cat took sick. Happily the cat is well on the road to recovery, Jackie has got a permanent residence and the vet bills required me to change my plans for the month and spend the lot on Mr. Fox ( The cat) I have never been happier to spend so much on anyone in my entire life. he had an abscess, that was pressing on his spine and must have been causing excruciating amounts of discomfort. Long story short, the thing burst, closed up, reopened and oozed lots of thick green ‘snot’. The secondary infection was due to his getting outside and going on an all-nighter. Operation, stitches and being indoors is probably getting him by now, especially as the weather is nice again. I take him out a few times a day, making sure to hold him and prevent any mad dash for freedom he may make. Though what with a cone/collar thing on I doubt he will get too far.
J and I are now simply friends, we have different priorities to each other and we each must steer our own course. It is no good us being in the same ship anymore. I imagine our paths will cross again in the future. Though I imagine not least until the Covid business has cleared off and we are given something new to worry ourselves over. What else? Oh yes I have run out of weed. Years ago this would have caused a huge amount of distraction and concern. Today I could not care less and shall enjoy cleaning my act up a little bit. Smoking fogged my mind and did not allow for clear thinking, which hindered study, which caused anxiety issues neither of which I currently need. My painting has resumed, new ideas are flourishing and I am happy.
I hope to be getting back onto the blog more often now things have calmed down a little bit. I also want to be working on the website and promoting my work a little bit more. I shall also be applying for some kind of employment soon. Something simple, stress free and enjoyable. I do not think it will involve wearing a tie. It may allow me to get away with wearing a skirt, being more relaxed and informal.
I have no idea of what to write about. So I am going to write about something.
These last few days have been quite hectic, Hyper-ventilation, nervousness, anxiety a whole host of different things and feelings. And quite a lot of running around too. I have finally moved the desk/office up the stairs to the library where I can look out the window at the garden and be surrounded by books. It is more peaceful up here, the cats have found the bean bag and are fast alseep. It makes a change to have at least one of them using the desk as it’s roosting place. I know Cats don’t roost,but this one might as well.
All the art stuff is now on a big trestle table downstairs and I do not care if it gets covered in paint, in fact I am looking forward to that. If we have guests,I can throw a table cloth over it and nobody will be none the wiser. career wise, the job centre seem to agree that it is pointless me looking for work I detest or am going to get pissed off with after 3 weeks. They want me to focus on what I like. I love and enjoy. Art, books, history and Alcohol, Actually I do not want to involve myself in Alcohol. (Apart from drinking it) Did I mention painting. cause all I really want to do apart from learning and studying is to paint. Perhaps learning more on the rules of punctuation would help as well.
There are lots of new idea’s bustling around in my head, waiting to get out. I am looking forward to showing some on here as and when they materialise. I would love to write more, but really do have to look for work now.
It has been eight days now since I started the medication and eight days since I last drank any alcohol, It is a nice feeling not drinking and the fruit juice is a lot healthier.
I have not given up the drink entirely, I was gifted a bottle of nice Red for Christmas and there is a bottle of Cointreau which I bought on a whim a couple of weeks or so ago. They are both in the cupboard safe for another day.
The anxiety is almost under control, though it is lurking there in the background and does not like other road users or slow computers. I am now able to concentrate and work consistently throughout the day and get loads more done than I was managing previously.
However compared to how it was and for that matter how I was it is now negligible, though that is no reason to stop the medication just yet I suspect the road to recovery may be quite long here.
Creativity wise it would appear that writing has taken over from painting and as much as I enjoy painting this other form of creativity is better in any number of ways for the time being at least.
This year I am spending Christmas largely by myself partly by choice partly by circumstance. Other family members are all doing their own thing and it is easier to simply stay home. With the way I have been feeling of late it has sometimes been difficult to do anything, even the small things like going to the shops has been nightmarish, so driving for miles and miles for lunch … is just overly daunting.
I like this anxiety as much as I like the time of year and thinking that days are now lengthening comes as a small relief, though there is still a way to go before this boat is back on a even keel.
The tablets seem to be helping as does being abstinent from alcohol. Again that’s partly by choice, mostly via medication, sleeping tablets and anti anxiety drugs don’t mix with drink and the stuff kind of makes me depressed as well does nothing for my mood.
Perhaps it’s easier to stay on the wagon and drink Tea instead.
Anxiety and depression do strange things to you, the phone ringing really set me today, even though I know who was calling the noise of the thing was getting me so much I stuck my fingers in my ears and screamed at it. Should I have just pushed the cat off of my lap and picked the thing up, or just left it to ring? This I have been pondering for several hours on and off now and it’s kind of not helping to do so.
The DR. did say the tablets might make me more anxious to start with even if I do feel better (sometimes)