This medication I am now on: I am not sure if I like it or really dislike it. It seems to have slowed me down immeasurably, concentration is more so my brain is somewhat numb and things inside are perhaps more distant. By that I mean the heart, the discomfort is still there but not nearly as pronounced. Sometimes I want to just say fuck it all and finish myself off but you you know something? Life is not like that, at least not here or right now. I have to piss a few more people off first and move all this artwork that has built up in the spare room. I may sell some of it. In the meantime I am putting it all online on various sites. It almost feels like depression, but without the inertia, that accompanies such. No black dogs either, just black cats. maybe it is having finally ditched mainstream employment, and handling the change that has caused this emotional state. Fuck knows! The state of the world, mid life crisis…Any number of different things, but most of all the medication, I think it is that, one quickly followed the other, actually they all came together. Too much to handle? No just enough, just let me process it all first. I have been to hell before and this is the ante chamber, I know where the exit is, up the backstairs and to pastures new. The last time me and the devil met, I grinned like an idiot and got out of there pdq.
I would be fucking slaughtered within half an hour if I was doing my old job now. These meds have slowed things down a degree or three, sorry if I drag on about the meds but they are ( I think) helping me get things done. maybe it is just the incentive to get things done and to keep doing things, making progress and moving forward. Someday all this shit will be over and we can dance again, not because the music is playing but because the nonsense is over and nobody listens to the bull crap anymore. At least I know now why I am shouty and want to thrash people, it is the medication not lunacy. Is there anything to temper this urge to kill people? I suppose alcohol might help as may weed, blitzen I have both at my disposal Fuck!, Arse, Bollocks! Piss! Where have the paintings of Glastonbury gone? Oh wait I have not checked under the sofa yet, I must make some tea. Found them in the bedroom cupboard along with a bunch of Pink Floyd memorabilia, maybe someone or somebody will buy it and help me clear some space here.
I won some lottery yesterday, clearly choosing my numbers is a better way forward than those lucky dips, do you remember the lucky dip at the fun fair? Putting your hand in a large bin full of small parcels and coming up with something, that promised to be either rubbish or clutter. I may head into town later on and go on a charity shop raid for nice books and that. There again, I may say stuff that idea, it is cold out, despite the sun shining and the meds are playing with my head. Maybe the fresh air will do me good, it certainly did last time before I started the meds. There is no harm in looking and there is usually fuck all to buy in town. It is totally gutted and devoid of any independent stores, the council have really ballsed up their ‘attempts’ at encouraging trade in Oxford. I hope they fall at the next election, we could be well rid of the socialists and their bent arsed agenda.
The last few days have been spent digging up bits of the garden, planting stuff and making a couple of bonfires in the wheel barrow. I have also been drinking too much and am now paying the consequences for my actions. The garden is helping and so is abstinence, which is much easier when you do not have outside influences urging you to go and buy the stuff. To be honest, the stuff does not work the way I want it to anymore and it is clear I need a big long break from the stuff.
That I am happy will become all the easier in the next couple of weeks. The other influences will be gone and I can focus full time on the mending process. The last few months, have been a bit on the stressful side, for both of us and if there is anything I have learnt. It is that I prefer my own company (cats excluded) and am not entirely enamoured, with sharing my home, with other members of the human race. This may sound an awful thing to say, but it is true, denying it would be foolish and only cause more trouble.
I shall enjoy having the house back to myself, there is no doubt in that. I have plenty to keep me busy and the cats are always there to ignore me if things get rough. In the meantime, we are planning a few days out and making use of, the time we have left together. The grey cat, cornered our youngest today, resulting in a lot of squalling. I am aiming to settle that creatures hash, at the nearest opportunity, my reason? It pisses on my flower beds and upsets the children.
I have various suspicions about various things and these suspicions that I have are going to be heeded. There is this person who is ignoring the pleas of somebody else who is close to them and that is not nice at all. That person will know who they are and if they are reading this then they ought reel their big ego in and do the right thing. That aside things are pretty good around here, or should I say could be a lot worse and it will probably be some time before they get any better. For a start I have to work on myself, getting back into some semblance of being fit again, yes its cutting down on drinking and eating a little less. Speaking of drinking. I have found a new hobby and have started buying wine at auction, not to drink mind, but to put down and sell later. I may drink some of it, some day, but why bother when the stuff from the supermarket has the same effect, if that is what you are looking for? Getting drunk is beginning to make me feel ill and if I drink anytime in the evening, I wake up at silly O clock feeling like poo. Just like this morning!
I am unable to paint, after drinking and creativity is what drives me forward, Drinking at lunchtime screws up the rest of the day, especially if I find I need to drive anywhere. I have tried drink driving and let me assure you all, it is not fun or sensible. Having a complete break looks to be the best option and will mean I can buy some more paint and such stuff, I am crying out for burnt umber right now and my recycled paper is also on the wain, plus I want a nice big pure bristle brush, those nylon things are good for nothing and are way past their best in any case. Speaking of painting and art, I now have a large pile pile of incomplete work, it was getting tiresome working on one piece of work from beginning to end, so I found the cure.
Speaking of The Cure, I really do think that bands music will help alleviate the current mood I find myself in, their music beats the S$%T out of Bono and co. whose distressing noise just managed to wheedle its way out of the speakers. School work is back to interesting and this week is learning about how heavy handed the Victorians were to non European people, would you believe they behaved just like the United States does today? This glorious empire busting fact and others like it were already known to me, just not from an academic stance. I have to go out for a while today, and could be some little while, whilst someone else has an appointment. I shall be taking a book to read and do not expect to sit in on it, The Covid nonsense has seen to that.
So for want of anything better to do today, we both decided to dry ourselves out for the foreseeable future. This was after drinking all the available Alcohol in the house and getting a little tipsy in the process. There is actually a bunch more booze tucked away under the stairs, but that is not ready for consumption yet.
This afternoon we both went into the garden and tidied up the Fig tree, removing all the dead fruit and cutting back any dead wood. All the rubbish went in the bin, the sun shone and the birds sang, we had a thoroughly pleasant time together. J put some nice lotus ‘flowers’ on the pond and soon we shall get fishes to.
Other news, I have been doing some intuitive drawings of past lives, (I believe in reincarnation) and it was satisfying, relaxing… fun. J is now having a rest and I am speaking to Lulu the cat, she likes having lots of attention and meows if she thinks I am not giving her enough. I must bring in the curtain soon, it is outside drying after a wash as Lulu peed on it this morning. I ought give the floor where it hangs a mop as well, before she gets more ideas.
The alcohol industry makes huge profits out of peoples addictions to having their senses numbed and being stupid. Religion works along pretty much the same lines, listen for too long and you will become daft as well. You see the former kills off your brain cells, makes you do foolish stuff and kids you into thinking the Govt. is doing you a good turn. The latter persuades you by gentle and constant prodding and injections of fear into thinking that if you disobey the ideas being fed to you, you will burn in hell fire for all eternity. In essence they are both very alike one poisons your liver, and makes you stupid. The other poisons your brain and keeps you stupid, remove yourself from one and it feels like hell. Remove yourself from the other and you are ‘guaranteed’ hell. However the alcohol industry pays its taxes, which is more than be said for religious institutions, which being classified as charities do not. If you cut yourself, you can pour some liquor on it and that will cleanse the wound until you can get to a doctor. The religion people will tell you it is Dogs wrath for your sinful behaviour and you bloody deserve it.
The message here is loud and clear, you ought to drink Tea. You can read war comics as well. Tea is refreshing, leaves no nasty hangover and leaves your liver a happier organ, that will provide you with many years of loyal service. War comics can be great yarns of imaginary Derring Do, of brave Soldaten taking on the evil enemy and his tanks with just a pistol, a pack of chewy sweets and a good luck charm. They feature every scenario possible, with every armed service imaginable. Placing the reader in the thick of the action against the barbaric foreign invader and creating some terrible stereotypes along the way. Be warned, war is not actually so cool and being shot at is probably not very pleasant, being shot is probably even worse and likely to elicit cries more substantial than “it’s nothing but a flesh wound.” and Gor Blimey Sarge, that lousy foreigner just shot me.” Somehow in these stories, the cure for all ills is a mug of hot sweet tea and a couple of biscuits, back in the day it was a cigarette or two, but those are now bad for your health. Should there be a warning advising against war, warning that being shot or blown up is bad for your health? I would like to see one and when you consider how many human lives have been brought to an end through wars which have been started by religious foolery? How much violence is started by alcohol? How many started by drinking tea?
The answer is clear, that we as a species ought drink more tea, go to church less often (if at all) Religion is the enemy of all right and free thinking people. Teaching their adherents to hate their neighbours and blow themselves up in the name of what, some make believe authority figure? Let those who would claim their god is right do the warring and see how long their deity and their faith last in front of a Machine gun going at full whack! They ought to have learnt to drink tea.
J has recently given up Alcohol and now sends me links to do with the subject. Occasionally she might throw in a few words such as. “Did you know Alcohol does this or that?” I think she is trying to convert me to sobriety it makes me want to hide my head under a pillow or put my fingers in my ears. I think I may be in denial. However I am endeavouring to drink less, and not question her motives too much. She says she feels loads better for having quit, I think she just eats more Chocolate to compensate. Drink aside, today, yesterday in fact the last few days, have either been spent writing up coursework notes or converting a load of babble into something halfway semblant of the English language. The addition of proper punctuation and another edit will bring things up to scratch and then the next chapter can be added. a wad of handwritten stuff can then be consigned to a box somewhere. Having got all my coursework out the way early is a delight and means I can catch up with all my own creativity. You see I have just worked through four thousand words and have approximately the same in hand written stuff on the same subject, which sounds daunting and with my hand writing is even more so. Doing stuff like this, helps me sympathise with the teachers at school and those who mark examination papers After I have finished writing about pornography, maybe I shall start on that writing about Alcohol. It would be an appropriate subject, considering everything and will serve to alleviate any issues whilst drying out.
J has said she will help with photographic stuff, editing photos and the like. In return I shall be doing a load of stuff. Basically we are helping each other to do those things, the other may be not so great at and so far so good. We have several ideas to work upon, each will be coming to the fore as we progress and when the time is right, not before. Re-arranging the home is also on the cards. J wants a study room and I want to do some stuff in the garden. All these things will take time, ideas, counter ideas, school work and a thousand other things will each play their part in seeing things come to fruition. In the meantime, I shall write, be creative and then write some more not forgetting that in writing I am also being creative. Plus writing does not stink of Turpentine or require the washing of paint brushes.
We were planning on a small walk this afternoon, but it got dark sooner than expected. Or time ran ahead of us, and we forgot. Whatever happened it allowed us to each do what we had to or wanted to do and get it done and complete. (Almost)
Study has taken up a considerable amount of time recently and for once I think I am actually enjoying myself. Writing more on here for my own pleasure would be nice of course, but do you really want to know about The Irish Potato Famine?
As we head nearer toward Christmas, I laugh at those fools who booked themselves a totally unneeded vacation down in Cornwall. (England’s South West) and have now had to cancel with no refund, cause one of them caught the Covid and they all have to stay home and sweat it out for the next fortnight. I doubt you will find this in the papers, but is probably a common tale to be found across the globe right now, anywhere there’s are idiots at least. In the meantime J and I are settling down, we argue at times and she encourages me to be a better person and I hope I am doing that for the both of us. Switching off from studying and relaxing seems to be one of the harder tings to do right now, unwinding seems to be Alcohol based and probably does not work so well. The other method works very well and the only spirit used is to wash the brushes and thin oil paint. It’s hoped that I will get some work done on the artistic side of things over the next few days. Doing a job search and applying to a few would also be a good idea. Also the car could do with a good wash and a clean, the weather is ideal for such a task. Grey miserable and dank. In the US right now they have snow, I like snow. J says I would be sick of it after a short while and she is probably right.
I want to wind up here and go paint, put down new ideas, complete old stuff, drink tea and eat food. I want to give up alcohol, but am lazy, support J in her sobriety journey but am perhaps a bit selfish. In the meantime I study, write and listen to Opera obsessively. Feel I am running out of art materials, yet have loads in the cupboard. The same goes for my encroaching belly that threatens increase on a daily basis. The time for change is here and that change ought be embraced.
So from the last time anything was written, I have applied for a new job and find it not very easy writing the 500 words about myself. In order to become even half way eligible to have a chance of finding prospective employment with this chosen employer. I do not like applying for work or writing about myself (Usually) I would rather be doing something else and today I have done largely bugger all. I think it must be the fruit flies, they are exerting a negative energy and slowing me up from doing anything, I just want them to fuck off and pester the neighbours instead. Them people to the right of my home will do. Life stresses are on the increase but will soon be on the decrease, I hope nerves and anxiety do not suit me, J is having the same issues but has her own ways of dealing with things. We are both keeping our fingers crossed and I am not bothering to tidy the house she is good like that and wants to do some homesteading. Home-brewing, candle making that kind of thing all good things to do in a time of a new potential lockdown, along with winning the lottery.
The painting is coming along but tails off when I have had a drink or two, it would seem paint and alcohol do not mix instead I sit down, relax and speak to the cat who ignores me. Let Friday’s reunion come quickly, swiftly and easily. I dare say there will be a lot more relaxing and less time for painting or painting at a different time, when the light is better and the brain is less fuddled. University is about to start again, happily I was smart and did a load of work in advance, which makes things all the sweeter. There will be more to do and I shall be starting again in a minute or five.
So as Summer draws to a close, what is it we ought be doing to help ourselves at this time? Firstly stop bothering your head with what the media has to tell you, in fact and if you possibly can ditch news media altogether, especially newspapers. Do this and you will soon be delighted with the money you start saving by not indulging Rupert Murdoch and his kind and you will soon find your household has far less rubbish in it. Which is better for you, your mental health and the planet too. That’s a winner whichever way you look at it. You can also help yourself by turning the TV off or at least not watching so much of it, do you really need to watch endless repeats of property programmes and stuff about war? No I did not think so, this stuff is not good for your brain or for much at all when you consider things. Don’t drink too much alcohol, if you can, ditch the stuff entirely and see the difference this makes to you, your relationships and bank balance. The stuff is sold to make people stupid, the glamourous image is just a marketing mans trick to make you think otherwise.
Take up some new positive and affirming activity like gardening, if you don’t have a garden then get some house plants or find an allotment, you will soon benefit from all the joys that working with plants and the land can bring you, not too mention the physical exercise it provides. If gardening is not really your thing, then take up something else, let it be relaxing and at the same time interesting, it should stimulate your brain and provide plenty of scope for learning more, treat the brain as a group of muscles that if exercised on a regular basis, reward you with clearer thinking and expanded awareness. If you can get out every so often and enjoy nature, go for walks and get fresh air in your lungs they too will reward you with greater longevity and more energy. Soon you maybe thinking why wasn’t I doing this previously? if you smoke, cut back or ditch the habit altogether. Smoking is best left to Dragons (mythological + fantastical ones)
In writing these words I do not want to sound like some kind of New Age purist that would be a little hypocritical, however I can testify to the benefits of abstaining from Alcohol. I quit smoking several years ago and you can still laugh and dance and make jokes whilst drinking Tea, be it herbal or the normal stuff whats more you can remember what you did the next day. Most importantly don’t worry about what is out of your control, how is bothering your head ceaselessly going to help? the most it will do is give you wrinkles, raise your blood pressure and upset your bowels. Do you want any of that? Neither did I , so I stopped worrying, did what I had to do and let the rest flow naturally.