I miss her terribly, I miss her so much it hurts and when I ought to be knuckling down and working which I am, you see as she went into this dark place, I guess it was a case of doing too much too soon and what with her having Bi –polar it proved a little too much and coupled with her Aspergers it must have made things really stress full. Coincidentally I had managed to slice my arm up at work in fact I came home to her decision to cancel her trip over here that afternoon, she had had a deep conversation with her psychiatrist the previous evening, who seriously advised against travelling. I think she was more concerned for the bandaging around my forearm, than I was, to me it was an embuggerance to her it represented a whole lot more, everything that had happened the cancelled holiday, everything, in between laughing at the bandages and inspecting the photo’s of the scratch and recalling how it happened, she was crying her eyes out and what with my attempts at calming and reassuring her, maybe her anxiety was working overtime that day I don’t know. What was for certain my desire to kick myself for being a fool and letting myself into getting into this state was something else. The initial desire to kick myself for getting into this state was thwarted by the belief I had done enough damage without adding to it.
So it is better just to be productive or maybe even creative it may even do some good, cause right now I feel as grumpy as f&*% it’s like having this dark cloud hanging over my head and if I feel awful, God knows what it’s like in her shoes. My mood is not helped by the weather which for all the jokes about the weather in this country is really living up to its reputation it is almost so foul as to not want to go out at all yet there is stuff to be done and work to go to anything right now seems better than sitting around doing nothing and thinking about seeing if she has answered my last message the one I sent this morning even though I know she has not cause I checked less than five minutes ago and something says better take another look, She will read them in due course I am sure when she is out of that place and gets her phone back I know she hasn’t it’s not because she is not speaking to me, it’s because she is in hospital and not even in hospital over here it would not be half as bad if I could go visit her but that’s not the case cause right now my beloved is somewhere in Ithaca New York state and whilst Oxford is a beautiful city it is a million miles away or at least might as well be. We were due to be in each other’s arms this coming Monday and now that is not the case, it is not going to be so and that hurts when we are going to be in each other’s arms is another matter altogether she was entertaining September though the universe (Read credit union/bank) was not having it that way and that is probably just as well.
She said to me she ought to be ought within a week or so, part of me says be out sooner and that quiet steady voice says let her come out when she is ready. God knows but I am not really in any state to do much right now all I can think of is to just get on and do stuff not to worry and just be in the present as much as is possible which when there is not a ton of shit to think about is a fairly simple exercise, and when there is a ton of the brown stuff a well nigh impossible task but still it must be done and indeed it shall be done for that is the way forward. Worrying will gain nothing, nothing of any use so it is easier just to be and let things be, the sun will shine when the sun is ready to shine, everything happens for a reason, and these things have happened to make us stop and think to rest a while, relax, think things over and let things heal.
And all this week it is mental health awareness week, if you read this please say to her in your own way that I love her